


It's My Fault

by Miro (KuroTsubasa)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Guilt, Other, Regret, Self-Hatred, Spoilers for TG S1 ep 8, everything's sad and I'm sad about this anime as well, it makes me think too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-13 10:37:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3378416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuroTsubasa/pseuds/Miro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who's fault is it really?</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's My Fault

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't feel well today so I went and watched TG S1 for the first time and episode 8 just made me think a lot haha. It's basically some monologues from the three characters that imo suffered too much. It was meant to be Hinami only but then I finished the episode and na hhhh Hinami wan't the only one orz

_I knew._

I can hear the sounds of big sister’s kagune and the dove’s weapon clashing together. My grip on the bag with my mother inside tightens.

 

_I knew that father was already gone, I knew that mother was already gone too._

_Then, why did I go?_

Big sister's words filled with rage resonate around my ears, and it's the first time I've ever seen her so angry. Her expression is something I've never seen before, and it makes me feel like big sister is a stranger. It's unpleasant.

 

_If she hadn't come here...she wouldn't show that kind of expression._

 

_If I hadn't left the window open or the curtain up or made a sound when I left, then she wouldn't have noticed._

_If I hadn't rushed towards the smell of father that day and listened to my mother's words, then right now I would be in my mother's embrace, asleep._

 

_If I hadn't been born, then my father and mother would've had a much easier life._

 

My chest feels heavy. Like something heavy is weighing down on it. It feels weird. I don’t like it. 

 

_Big brother taught me this before…it’s guilt. When you do something bad and it’s your fault._

_If it only wasn’t for me then mother wouldn’t have…if it wasn’t for me then big sister wouldn’t be hurt right now._

_It’s my fault._

* * *

“Is actually having to touch us…really that bad?!” I tear off his glove and throw it behind me. Then, I freeze up. Under the dim light, something shines. Ugly scars mark his hands, and on his finger there’s the source of the shine.

 

A ring.

 

Waves of panic flood over me and I’m drowning. It’s hard to breathe.

 

_I killed him. I killed another man. He has a family._

My pupils expand and my breathing becomes short, fast, and difficult. My lungs are too heavy. My legs feel like lead. I can’t stand up.

 

_He might’ve had a child. Or two. His wife might’ve been waiting for him today._

Sweat forms on my forehead and my back, and sweat merges in with the blood that’s stained my shirt.

 

_It might’ve been his birthday today. Or his wedding anniversary._

“Hinami-chan!” His voice calls out and I remember. Hinami is still next to me.

 

_Did she see? That he had a ring? If she did, then, how is she feeling right now?_

_Guilt? Hatred? Regret? Hostility?_

_Is she blaming herself? That shouldn’t happen. I should’ve finished him off sooner. I should’ve avoided his attacks more, I should’ve been the one to be hurt, I should’ve._

_It’s my fault._

* * *

 

The final splash around my feet stops and calms. My pupils don’t widen. His body just lay there in a pose with his hand outstretched, as if he’d almost finished the kill. He must’ve.

 

_I should’ve come sooner. I should’ve come much much much sooner._

The strength in my legs leave and I fall to my knees without care. The water around me splashes, and it’ll never return to normal. Nothing will. I take his body into my arms, being as careful as I can. His expression is filled with pain, hatred, but most of all,

 

Regret.

 

_I shouldn’t have gone easy on the ghoul. I should’ve killed him when I had the chance. I knew he was easy to kill. His moves were sloppy and without will._

My hands move of their own minds and gently close over his eyes, shutting away the soulless gaze forever. Warm tears roll down my cheeks and drip off my chin, landing on his bloodied clothes. I grit my teeth. I can feel my body tremble.

 

_If only I had come sooner._

I look up at the sky, I open my mouth and I scream.

 

_If only I had killed the ghoul._

My scream is filled with rage and hatred and sadness and too many emotions that I can't count. I don’t. I just scream. I scream, and I don’t stop when I feel my throat begin to pain, I don’t stop when I feel my voice go hoarse and I don’t stop until I have no air in my lungs. I keep screaming.

 

_It’s my fault._


End file.
